Developing a Heart of Forgiveness

Part A: Understanding forgiveness

One of the challenges of life is to have a forgiving heart, and to be willing to forgive someone who has wronged you even if that person does not recognize the wrong. In this post I want to discuss the concept of forgiveness and why forgiveness is an essential component of the Christian walk. Although I will briefly touch on our sins and God’s offering of forgiveness, the primary focus will on forgiving others. Because we live in a fallen world full of hate and hurt, I do not want to downplay the pain and suffering that people have experienced. And I personally cannot speak to the terrible difficulties that some have endured at the expense of another person’s actions. But the one who can relate is Jesus Christ, because of the personal pain and suffering that Christ experienced leading up to and during His crucifixion, along with His bearing the weight of our sins on the cross. And Christ’s example of a forgiving spirit through His willingness to ask for forgiveness to those who crucified Him, along with his offering of forgiveness to us for our sins provides insight for us as we seek to forgive others. Additionally, God’s truth as revealed through the Holy Scriptures provides guidance in when and how we are to forgive. As I write on a sometimes very challenging topic, I want to reiterate that I am a Christ follower and not a theologian. However, I will prayerfully do my best to study and research scripture to present God’s truths.

The more I contemplated, studied, and wrote this week on Forgiveness, the more I realized that I could not cover all that I had to say in just one week. So, my plan is to present a three-part series on forgiveness, beginning this week’s segment with Part One: Understanding forgiveness. Next week I will present Part Two: Following our call to forgive. I will conclude the postings on forgiveness with Part Three: Forgiveness as transformation.

Forgiveness can be a hard concept to grasp, and an even harder concept to accept and implement. Therefore, before exploring God’s expectation for us to forgive others, it is important to develop a good understanding of the concept of forgiveness. I have personally observed many people struggling to forgive in part because of a lack of understanding of forgiveness. Although understanding forgiveness does not always make it easier to forgive, a willingness to understand forgiveness is a good start in being able to forgive.

From a Biblical perspective God’s forgiveness consists of “sending away” or pardoning our sins (MacArthur, Ephesians). Additionally, within God’s forgiveness He shows mercy, and demonstrates compassion toward us (see Micah 7:18-19, NIV, “Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea”). Christ demonstrated His love and compassion for us before and while He paid the debt for our sins on the cross.

Looking at the parallels of God’s forgiveness and general understandings of forgiveness may provide insight into conceptualizing the importance of forgiving others. Although specific definitions of forgiveness depend on cultural, philosophical, and religious factors, many accepted definitions of forgiveness have two components: 1) to renounce anger or resentment toward someone related to a hurt and 2) To absolve any debt owed as a result of the hurtful behavior. Generally, when someone hurts us, we experience a whole assortment of negative feelings such as anger, resentment, hurt, rejection, and betrayal. These feelings, if allowed to fester are ultimately related to sin (see Colossians 3:8, NIV, “But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips”).  But scripture also provides insight into how we are expected to respond to others in a God pleasing manner through loving kindness (see Colossians 3:12, NIV, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience”). Although the reality is that our initial response to being hurt may not be loving kindness, it is important to keep in mind that we are to “clothe ourselves in kindness, gentleness and compassion” in our interactions with others.

Additionally, when exploring the negative feelings we experience when we have been hurt, it is important to remember that we all do not express anger in the same way. We should keep this in mind because we can deceive ourselves into thinking we are not angry or we are not being sinful in our feelings because we are not showing outward signs of anger. However, we can express anger in many different ways such as through silence or through ignoring the person, or through ruminating on the issue, by malicious talk or even by being judgmental toward the person. Ridding ourselves of sinful feelings and behaviors and to replace those emotions and actions with responses that are God pleasing, is a sometimes very difficult but necessary component of forgiveness.

The second component of forgiveness, to absolve the person of a debt that is owed as a result of the hurt, can be a little more challenging to understand and to address as we ponder what debt we believe the person owes us. Yes, there are times when we have experienced a financial loss because of being hurt, and we expect the person to make restitution as part of the process (a car accident comes to mind where there is an expectation to repair the damage done to our car). Although we can have a financial expectation related to forgiveness, that is not specifically what is being addressed when discussing a debt and the forgiveness process. The debts generally being referenced here are those expectations we place on others when they have hurt us. Those expectations are what we expect the person to do or how we expect the person to behave prior to us forgiving that person. And those expectations are a form of debt that we expect the person to “pay” before we forgive. These expectations may include demanding people to saying they are sorry, or to repent for what they have done, or we expect people to “fix” the situation or even to renounce to others what they have done. However, these expectations are all “debts” we require to be paid prior to forgiving. But since forgiveness begins with an internal act involving the heart, part of the process of forgiveness is to remove any condition we have placed on the process.  It can be very hard to let go of those expectations prior to forgiving, especially since we live in a victim culture where we personalize hurt at every turn. But it is important to remember that God demonstrated his love for us and offered us forgiveness even while we were and are still sinners (Romans 5:8 NIV “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us”).

In some ways understanding what forgiveness is not may be just as important as understanding forgiveness. Lewis Smedes, a Christian theologian and professor, noted that forgiveness does not specifically mean forgetting, excusing, justifying, or absolving the hurtful behavior, or even denying that the hurtful act occurred. Contrary to the phrase “forgive and forget”, forgiveness does not necessarily require the victim to forget the painful event. Although there are many circumstances that forgetting what happened may be a natural part of the forgiveness process, there are situations where it may not be healthy to fully forget the incident. For example, a person may be seeking to forgive a perpetrator who is violent, has not repented and may not have received help to address the violent behavior. In those situations, even though we forgive, remembering what occurred may help protect the victim from again being put in similar situations where violence is experienced.

Forgiveness also does not mean excusing or justifying the hurtful behavior. If we do not keep pointing out the wrongdoing it may seem like we are ultimately tolerating or giving approval to the hurtful behavior. However, forgiveness is an internal process that helps us in not being controlled by someone else’s sin, and therefore it is more related to the healing process and becoming more Christlike in our interactions with others. And at what point do we recognize that God is the ultimate judge (see Romans 2:1-4)? Additionally, the perpetrator is not necessarily absolved of the consequences the hurtful behavior may have caused. For example, victims of crimes may forgive the criminal, but the individual may still be sentenced to prison. And finally, forgiveness is not denying or ignoring that one was hurt. To forgive someone may require the injured person to explore why what the assailant did was so hurtful so that one can fully forgive the behavior. Although forgiving others may be very difficult depending on the level of hurt we have experienced, it is an essential component of our spiritual growth.

How might developing a better understanding of forgiveness help you in exploring the level that you have actually forgiven others who have hurt you? What might be helpful to do to continue to develop a Biblical understanding of forgiveness? How would developing a more forgiving heart impact your Christian walk? Next week I will continue to explore the concept of forgiveness through looking at specific scripture related to forgiveness in Part Two: Following our Call to Forgive.

Resources

MacArthur, John (2015): The MacArthur New Testament Commentary, Ephesians.

Smedes, L. B. (1996). The art of forgiveness. Nashville, TN: Tomas Nelson Publishers.

The Holy Bible, New International Version.